It's been a while. I completely forgot about this blog. It is quite funny to look back at my few posts. So young and immature. Young and blind. Two years is a long time yet, it seems so short. So many things have changed for me. I've moved to another state, I've started high school, I've just grown up in general. I'm still young though. Not as innocent as I once was, but still young and dumb. I went five months without selfharming and then threw that all away a few months ago. Honestly, I've never felt so alone. I'm laying in bed in the dark just typing away on my phone. The people who I felt really cared about me once are now straying from me. I have no one really. I have no one to talk to so, here I am, typing something to post on the internet. My selfharm isn't like it was last year. It isn't as serious and I haven't done it in quite a while but I feel more depressed. More empty. More alone. Less me.
I remember random moment from my childhood when I was happy. Actually happy, not this fake happiness I sort of have now. I don't remember the last time I was actually happy though. Those random moments are all that keeps me going though.
I used to have someone there to hold me when I cried and was giving up hope, now I don't even have someone to hold a full conversation with. Every guy I talk to and start having feelings for I push away. I really don't mean to and I really don't want to, but I do. It hurts so much. I feel like something is going to go wrong between us but in the end, its just hurting me more that I'm pushing them away.
I also tend to over think things nowadays. I over think and then freak out. I was taking a math test the other day and I was stuck on two problems. I skipped over them and came back because I was so irritated. I almost broke down in tears because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. When I came back to them I was trying everything. Using the quadratic formula, distributive, the usual staring at the problem hoping the computer would just tell me which one was correct. After about five minutes of staring at the problems, I realized that all I needed to do was plug in the goddamn choices that they gave us and I would get the answer. My scratch paper looked horrible. So much scribbling. Being "#1" in my class really sucks. There is a lot of pressure. Apparently when I was absent last Friday my teacher announced to the whole class about how I missed one problem because of a stupid mistake and how it was probably the easiest problem on the test. One of the kids in my class said,"Maybe she did that so she could feel normal for once.". Maybe he was right. I hate when people look at me like an alien because I am better than them in math. No matter how many times I tell them that I am RETAKING THE GODDAMN CLASS BECAUSE I FAILED IT LAST YEAR, they still seem to see me as an Asian freak.
My mom isn't any help. She just complains and yells at me for everything. I already have enough to deal with at school. It seems like she just doesn't want me to be happy. It's sad that most of the times I've selfharmed it was because of her. My sister is suicidal and my mom could care less. I've never had a happy family Christmas like everyone else. Or a birthday party. Or anything. Just me in a family that loves to ignore me and make me feel worthless.
There is honestly nothing worse than feeling alone. I've been tempted to start smoking and drinking to make friends and feel happier. But I haven't. I am still alone.
At this point I am really considering suicide. Everyone always says,"Think about your loved ones and how it will effect them." And I do, but it won't effect them. They don't see me anyways. No one does. The only person there for me is myself. I can feel my heart and mind being torn apart by the darkness.
I just want someone to hug me and tell me that they care about me and that everything will be okay.
